I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
