i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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