I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
