its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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