i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
