why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
