So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
