Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
