idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
