just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
