im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
