No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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