doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize