i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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