i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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