the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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