Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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