just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
