I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
