Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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