Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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