i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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