I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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