just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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