youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
