playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
