Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
