I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
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