Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I have post one night stand depression
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize