Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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