there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
