shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
