Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
