If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
