I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
