Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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