Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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