yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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