imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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