I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Randomize