she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
