I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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