Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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