I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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