She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you traded sex for a burrito?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
