Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize