these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
