quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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