I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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