1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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