Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
