Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
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