if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
