I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
