oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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