Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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